There are some days when everything is just too much.
When it feel like the floor is tilting and beginning to crumble, the ceiling is teasing disaster by falling bit by bit onto your head and the walls are squeezing you from all sides
I am having one of those days today. I feel like if you look at me wrong I will simply implode. My chest feels like I am caught in an iron vice; I can't seem to get enough air yet the air I do have is making me dizzy and light headed.
I hate the feeling of helplessness. Even though I like to go with the flow and let life lead me where it may I usually try to keep an oar in the water to provide some guidance into the direction I want to flow. Whenever that oar is forced out of the water the anxiety attacks start.
These suck my energy, my smile, my hope. The things that make me who I am. They drain me and leave me feeling like an orange that has lain in the sun for too long.
Today the anxiety will take parts of me. Today it wins and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Nothing anyone can say. I will do all the things I have learned help minimize the damage but in the end....pieces of me will still be gnawed away.
Such an illogical thing to sit in one side of your brain and watch the other side fall down even while acknowledging that it's not the end and knowing that tomorrow things will be put back in their rightful place and life will fit and feel just fine.
However, as illogical as it is, I am thankful for the part of me that calmly reassures the rest of me that we will survive this.