She can be a Real B*tch sometimes

This morning was a good morning. One of those mornings so wonderfully yummy I had actually planned to blog about it. It was a crisp and sunny morning. I climbed out from under my heating blanket (yes, we turned it on last night)to my warm fuzzy socks, favorite jeans, favorite sweatshirt and a perfectly brewed pot of coffee.

I had actually remembered to pack Alex's lunch the night before, the oatmeal was all set out waiting to be made and every single dish was done the night before. The morning was calm, snuggly, and just completely delicious.

As the kids were getting ready to walk out the door I realized Alex's backpack was disorganized so he gave it to me so I could sort it all out. I began my lecture on being responsible, taking care of your things and that 'I forgot' and 'I did put it away right' were not acceptable excuses.

I took out all the folders. I took out all the notebooks. I took out all the pencils. I took out all his books. I took out his glasses. I took out the 4 cars he is allowed to keep in his backpack to play with on the bus. I took out the Condom.

Oh, I'm sorry! Did I catch you of guard? Did coffee just come shooting out your nose? Do you need a pat on the back so you stop choking while you go back and make sure you read that last part right? Because if you read the word Condom (a.k.a. rubber, male prophylactic, Sheath, cap, jimmy cap, jimmy, raincoat, cover or glove) you read it right.

I would pay someone a million dollars if they had a video of my reaction. I stuck my hand in the bottom of the backpack, grabbed something, pulled hand back out, and threw (what I believed) offending garbage on couch next to me.


I looked down again.

My mind started racing:
That can't be a condom! It can't. It's a really small rubber glove. It has to be! OMG. I think it really is a condom. I just touched condom. OMG. My SON, my 8 year old, touched a condom. Why the F%&# is there a condom in his backpack!?? Is it used??!! Oh thank gawd for small miracles!

I finally managed to somewhat compose myself and turn to Alex with a deadly calm fit for an interrogation scene from CSI:

"Alex, Where did you get this?"

"Oh class clown boy had it on the bus"

Liberty then pipes in:
"Yeah, he was blowing it up and showing us all the silly stuff you can do with it. Like a glove."


"Alex, please..please tell mommy you didn't put this in your mouth?!"

"No. Class clown boy did a few times and he put both his hands into it. Mom, what's wrong? What is it anyway?" (he now has a worried look on his face and I realize that further questioning will only result in a different version of the truth on the chance he may be in trouble for....he had no idea what)

"I will talk to you about it later. And don't worry you are not in any trouble. I'm not mad at you. Just please, from now on, remember the rule that we do NOT take things from our friends without my permission. No matter what."

I then got a napkin and a zip loc bag, grabbed the condom, and marched into the bedroom. Prince Charming opened his eyes a little, still enjoying the yummy fuzzy morning. He looked at me.


"Guess what I just found in your sons backpack. Your 8 year old sons backpack!"

"What?" (here I can say he looked slightly annoyed that I woke him up for what would surely be one of my rants regarding missing papers or hidden toys)

I held up the offending material.

His eyes got huge. "Is that a condom?!"


I then proceeded to tell him the entire story. And I finish by saying "On the list of top 10 things....no..top 2 things..I hadn't expected this morning. This is number one."

He asked what the other was.

That was easy. A giant purple gorilla showing up in my living room. Duh.

And as I started planning on how I would post this today, I remembered reading this from Sassy earlier this week. And How I had laughed so hard I seriously did almost pee myself. And how I thought that she had to be exaggerating a little bit. I mean. Seriously. This stuff doesn't actually happen in that "OMG" type way.


Karma is a real B*tch sometimes and Sassy, I am sorry I ever doubted you for even a single second.


twetyz1 said...

Payback Is A B*tch!! Just wait till he becomes a teenager!! HA! HA! You are sooooo screwed!!

Anonymous said...

Twetyz1 - Geeee. Thanks ;-)

Sassy said...

I've heard that Karma is a bitch but now I've witnessed it...LMAO! Now you'll never doubt me or my gross blow up doll stories again...hahahhahahaa, err, well I hope I don't have any more.

Anonymous said...

Sassy - LOL. You are right. I will never ever doubt again ;-)

jesse said...

OMG I don't know what I would have done, and I'm not looking forward to it either.

Jen said...

OMG!! That's unbelievable! You should call "Class Clown's" parents!! I can just imagine your shock!

Pusher Robot said...

Well I had a story this morning about a giant purple gorilla that was in my living room but now you've totally gone and ruined that. Thanks a lot!

It's good to see Sassy has company, sort of, i guess ...

Bananas said...

aggghhhhhh!!! horrifying!!
(you made me blow coffee out my nose)

Lisa said...

I want to hear what you say to the "what is it and what's it for?" question.... heehee.

And I hope its videotaped and put on Youtube. heehee

Bee said...

First off I want to thank you for educating me on the many names for condom.
I would like to share the one I heard many a moons ago:
"unhappy willy"
HA! Still cracks me up!

Anonymous said...

Jesse - LOL. I really don't know that this is one of those things you can be prepared for!

Jen - Shocking was an understatement! I am probable going to just call the school and let them decide what to do. I really don't think the kid knew what it was anymore than my son did. (I hope!)

Pusher - Darn it! I so try not to ruin other people's stories :-) So sorry ;-) Thanks for stopping in!

Bananas - LOL. I should have put a warning. But it would have sorted of ruined the shock value I intended to make you all feel some of what I felt :-D

Lisa - I just consistently said 'We will talk about it later.' I have no idea what I will say if he pushes the point as we have an 'open and honest' policy. But as of yet we haven't had to broach exactly HOW a baby is made or what sex is! So basically, I have no clue. ROFL.

Bee - LOL. That's hilarious.

Smiling Mom said...

This is the best post I've read all year!! I hope you can use this as some sort of payback at some point for your son! It's a good one!

Yes, my mouth dropped to the ground as I read this.

Anonymous said...

Smiling Mom - LOL. Thank you for the compliment :-) And trust me...I have just been shaking my head all day when I think about it :-)

B said...

Oh my! I think I would have passed out if I found that in a backpack.
Gotta wonder where class clown boy got it though!

Anonymous said...

B - I have NO idea where he got it from! LOL.

Tracy said...

I totally would have had a nervous breakdown right there. I probably would have scarred my children so badly that they would have been eighty year old virgins! You should be proud of the way you handled it! I don't know that I could have kept my cool in front of him like you did.

Anonymous said...

Tracy - LOL. Well, I figured he didn't know what it was so that helped a lot. My biggest fear was that it had been used or who had given it to him. Those thoughts were so horrendous I couldn't even post them!

SAHMmy Says said...

Look on the bright side--at least he didn't know what it was! I've been operating under the assumption that kiddos are so jaded these days; even at 8 I'd fully expect him to grab a banana and show you what's what!

Anonymous said...

sahmmy - OH dear me! If he had done that I would have gone through the roof and freaked out. We are very careful about what they watch and are exposed to. Of course I can't control playground chatter, etc. But we try really hard to keep stuff age appropriate without making him the 'dork' to his friends :-)