What Can Make a 9 Year Old Boy Laugh Hysterically?

Simple Answer?

You just have to know what to say.

Here are my top discoveries:

• Flaming Piles of Poo Power (not sure if it's the Dr. Suess style rhyming factor or the poo factor)
  

• Family Jewels (Typical Male. That's all I can say.)

• Balls ( Recently discovered 'playground talk' word *and no, not as in basket or foot* O.Y.E.!!)

• Fart (It's such a classic, I think it's appeal may actually be encoded in the male DNA!)

• Underpants ( I totally don't get this one. I just don't. LOL.)

• Any Swear word *if they are banned at your house* (At first they will get this shocked look of hilarious disbelief. Then they laugh hysterically that they actually got to hear the word!)

Oh, to be a tween boy!

Donald Trump Beware The Next Great Negotiator has been Born

Alex came home from school and we had the following conversation:

Me: The dog got into the garbage cans and the wind has blown it all over the farmer's feild. I really need someone to go into the field and get all that garbage picked up and do a great job. What would I have to do to convince you to do it and to do a great job?

Alex: Hmm. Let me think about it.(long almost 5 min. pause) How about $50?

Me : Umm..No. Nice Try. What else?

Alex: Um. Dinner at McDonald's tonight?

Me: Okay, deal.

He went out there without a complaint and did an amazing job. I'd blog more but I have to go negotiate the cleaning of his room over Chicken nuggets.

Comment of the day

Alex: "I hope you're flexible because you're gonna need it to kiss your butt goodbye, Mom!"

Yeah, he's a tad bit competitive.

Warning! Warning! Warning! Keep Children Away! Childhood Myths Busted!

Alex is eight and we knew it was almost time. He kept asking. And asking. And asking.

"Mom, I'm 8. It's time to tell me the truth. I need to know. Is Santa Claus real?"

"Well, what do you believe? Do you believe Santa is real? Then, if you believe he is real, that is all that matters."

I managed to make it through the last two months that way. I just wanted this one last Christmas. We had decided the first time he asked after Christmas we would tell him the truth, hope for the best and then threaten everything he holds dear if he uttered a word of it to his sisters.

Unfortunately he cornered us Wednesday and there was no way to avoid the truth.

"Mom and Dad, I am EIGHT, you need to tell me the truth. I am old enough to know. All my friends at school know the truth. Please, just tell me."

"Alex, do you believe Santa is real?"

"I don't know! I just know that it's time you told me the truth. I'm eight.

Prince Charming and I looked at each other and made the decision.

"No , Santa isn't exactly real. There is a person who was called Santa Claus in history but the Santa Claus you believe in.....is actually Mommy and Daddy"

This is where we held our breaths waiting in terror to see his reaction


"Wow, so that means it was you guys who gave me the Blue Man Group thingy last year!? That is soooo cool! I'm so glad it's really you!!"

Oh yeah. It was me alright. It was me and my Mom and my Best Friend scouring the web and ever store to find the hottest toy of 2006. ( NEVER.AGAIN.)

There was no trauma or tears. He actually thought it was cool that we were Santa and that it was me who couldn't wait Christmas morning and found a way to wake them secretly then hide back in bed so I could hear their surprise when they saw the presents and stocking by the tree.

As the day went on he would think of gifts Santa had brought and ask me about them. "So it was you guys who bought Tickles (his puppy) when I was 5 and gave him to me for Christmas?" And when I confirmed that it was us, he seemed more happy and content. I was really proud of the fact that he seemed to be happier that it was his parents and that he understood financial restrictions. He wasn't at all upset that there was no magical land and free toys for the taking.

Then the unexpected happened. Last night he asked me, "Mom does this mean the Easter Bunny is real or not?"

Oye. What's next? The Tooth Fairy!!!

*****************************************

You dropped the quarter in the Salvation Army's red bucket.

You took a name off the tree to buy a toy for a child.
Now, do something even easier.
Help one of our own. One Pic..One Pea...One Dollar.

The BirdsThe Bees And Monkey Kisses

The Birds and the Bees

2 days ago

Alex: " Mom, you promised to tell me what that glove thing was."

Me: "What glove thing?"

Alex: "You know, the thing you found in my backpack!"

Me: (Damn. He didn't forget) Alright. It's called a Condom. And it's something you use for Sex. Do you know what Sex is?

Alex: "Yes. It's what you do with a beautiful girl when you are married and you want to have a baby, right?"

Me: "(How freaking cute is that! ) Yes, and sometimes when a man and woman have sex they don't want to have a baby. So a man puts the condom on his penis and it keeps him from giving the woman a baby. "

Alex: "It goes on his Private Area? And I touched it?! Oh..that's sooooo gross! Class Clown Boy had that on his mouth mom! Oh, that is so disgusting!!"

(Me silently thanking the heavens that the germ factor outweighed curiosity about how it prevented babies)

Me: "Yes, and now you know why I sort of freaked out when I found that in your backpack 'cause it could have dangerous germs or chemicals and make you sick. Okay?"

Alex: "Okay."

Me: "Any more questions about this or sex?"

Alex: "Nope. Can I play my game now?"

Me: "Sure."

Monkey Kisses

Getting Ready to Leave Last Night

P.C.: "Love you. See you later."

Me: "Love you, too. Be back in a bit."

(PC gives me a kiss)

Alex: "Ewww. Okay! Enough. It's been like 5 minutes of you kissing!"

(We, being the good parents that we are, continue to kiss in a much louder, passionate, and over exaggerated manner)

Alex: "Oh Nasty! I just saw someone put their tongue in the other persons mouth!"

Me: "What?" (Trying soo hard no to laugh)

Alex: "You know, if you put your tongue in someone else's mouth then you are kissing like a Monkey. Seriously! (looking at us in total Solomon seriousness, because he thought our smothered hysterical laughing was actually a sound of disbelief) That's how Monkey's Kiss! They put their tongue in another Monkey's mouth! It's gross and you just kissed like a Monkey!"

(I feel sorry for the first girl who tries to French Kiss him.)

(Everybody!: You and me baby, we ain't nothing but mammals, let's do it like they do on the discovery channel)

If only the world of woman, relationships and sex would stay this simple for him ;-)

The Great Ape By Alex

(I found this taped to the wall with my name on it:-) I love that kid. )

The Great Ape

Once in the great forest there was a big Ape. The big ape ate one banana every Sunday for lunch. The great ape got sick one day. He had the flue so he called his doctor. The doctor said aa-ee-oo-aa-tig-tag-wall-bing-band! The Great Ape felt better.

The End.

Dear Mom,
This story is for your blog.
love,
Alex

Dear Alex,

When I ask you to clean your room that does not mean see how many socks, shirts and other discarded clothing it would take to lift your bed off the ground. (Before you say it: Yes, I know your bed is on the floor and not the ground. Just go with it next time, k?)

When I say 'Get your Butt moving' while we are rushing to get ready in the morning, I do not literally mean to move only your butt.

I am sorry the cat ate a mouse. That is what cats do. I will not yell and spank the cat because it found meal that will save me the price of a trap this winter.

If I do not let you have a snack as you are walking upstairs to bed, you will not starve. I checked. You have a week. Therefore, the 3 meals and 4 snacks you ate prior to your bedtime departure mean that you are not, in fact, starving.

When your sister tells on you for hitting her, even though you didn't, that does not mean you can hit her the second I walk out of the room. There is no "Double Jeopardy" law in this house.

I hope this helps us as we venture upon future relations into the tween world and that we can prevent further moments of literal interpretation of my words and other untimely interruptions in our day to debate the merits of my rules.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

Karma? She can be a Real B*tch sometimes

This morning was a good morning. One of those mornings so wonderfully yummy I had actually planned to blog about it. It was a crisp and sunny morning. I climbed out from under my heating blanket (yes, we turned it on last night)to my warm fuzzy socks, favorite jeans, favorite sweatshirt and a perfectly brewed pot of coffee.

I had actually remembered to pack Alex's lunch the night before, the oatmeal was all set out waiting to be made and every single dish was done the night before. The morning was calm, snuggly, and just completely delicious.

As the kids were getting ready to walk out the door I realized Alex's backpack was disorganized so he gave it to me so I could sort it all out. I began my lecture on being responsible, taking care of your things and that 'I forgot' and 'I did put it away right' were not acceptable excuses.

I took out all the folders. I took out all the notebooks. I took out all the pencils. I took out all his books. I took out his glasses. I took out the 4 cars he is allowed to keep in his backpack to play with on the bus. I took out the Condom.

Oh, I'm sorry! Did I catch you of guard? Did coffee just come shooting out your nose? Do you need a pat on the back so you stop choking while you go back and make sure you read that last part right? Because if you read the word Condom (a.k.a. rubber, male prophylactic, Sheath, cap, jimmy cap, jimmy, raincoat, cover or glove) you read it right.

I would pay someone a million dollars if they had a video of my reaction. I stuck my hand in the bottom of the backpack, grabbed something, pulled hand back out, and threw (what I believed) offending garbage on couch next to me.

Then.I.Stopped.

I looked down again.

My mind started racing:
That can't be a condom! It can't. It's a really small rubber glove. It has to be! OMG. I think it really is a condom. I just touched condom. OMG. My SON, my 8 year old, touched a condom. Why the F%&# is there a condom in his backpack!?? Is it used??!! Oh thank gawd for small miracles!

I finally managed to somewhat compose myself and turn to Alex with a deadly calm fit for an interrogation scene from CSI:

"Alex, Where did you get this?"

"Oh class clown boy had it on the bus"

Liberty then pipes in:
"Yeah, he was blowing it up and showing us all the silly stuff you can do with it. Like a glove."

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

"Alex, please..please tell mommy you didn't put this in your mouth?!"

"No. Class clown boy did a few times and he put both his hands into it. Mom, what's wrong? What is it anyway?" (he now has a worried look on his face and I realize that further questioning will only result in a different version of the truth on the chance he may be in trouble for....he had no idea what)

"I will talk to you about it later. And don't worry you are not in any trouble. I'm not mad at you. Just please, from now on, remember the rule that we do NOT take things from our friends without my permission. No matter what."

I then got a napkin and a zip loc bag, grabbed the condom, and marched into the bedroom. Prince Charming opened his eyes a little, still enjoying the yummy fuzzy morning. He looked at me.

"What?"

"Guess what I just found in your sons backpack. Your 8 year old sons backpack!"

"What?" (here I can say he looked slightly annoyed that I woke him up for what would surely be one of my rants regarding missing papers or hidden toys)

I held up the offending material.

His eyes got huge. "Is that a condom?!"

"Yes."

I then proceeded to tell him the entire story. And I finish by saying "On the list of top 10 things....no..top 2 things..I hadn't expected this morning. This is number one."

He asked what the other was.

That was easy. A giant purple gorilla showing up in my living room. Duh.

And as I started planning on how I would post this today, I remembered reading this from Sassy earlier this week. And How I had laughed so hard I seriously did almost pee myself. And how I thought that she had to be exaggerating a little bit. I mean. Seriously. This stuff doesn't actually happen in that "OMG" type way.

Yeah.

Karma is a real B*tch sometimes and Sassy, I am sorry I ever doubted you for even a single second.