We all have a place. A place inside of us where we put "stuff" to deal with later. What happens with that 'stuff' once it's there, is completely based on the individual.
I am a people pleaser and a peace maker. I like any waves I make to be tiny waves and I like finding what will make others happy. I don't like conflict, emotional pain or not meeting expectations.
For as long as I can remember I would do whatever it took, become whatever it took, act whatever it took to keep people around me happy. I was never totally me. I woke up a few years ago and realized I had no idea who I really was.(In the emotional/spiritual sense. Not the "I need a name tag on my chest to remember my name" sense.) I could no longer see what was fiction and what was real. I had been so busy becoming someone else to make everyone else happy, I forgot to ever take the time to find me or what I was all about.
Part of the problem with this was that over the years I took all the 'stuff' others did to me and just shoved it in a closet. Better to be a good girl and sit there and shut up and keep everyone happy than to cause waves of upset, hurt or disappointment. I was strong (with a big dose of stubborn) and I could get over it. I expected that with time it would all just magically disappear and make itself better. My own self cleaning magic closet.
The problem is...it never did. The hurt and the pain grew. It festered. It became infected. I started suffering from depression and then social anxiety. I didn't want to be around people because I knew I was a fraud. I was pretending to be this fun and intelligent person so they would like me and so know one would see the true me that I didn't even know. After all, if I couldn't even stand knowing myself then I must be a horrid person that no one would be able to like or love.
The past few months I finally knew that I had to start being happy with myself. I had to learn who I was. I had to let the scared little girl inside me grow up and find her potential.
These events have caused me to open the door to this closet. To my shock it was no longer the little room I once had. It had become a bottomless pit of hurt, bitterness and anger. Once that door was opened, there seemed to be no way to keep it locked anymore. Little pieces would poke their mean little heads up and next thing I knew I was raging against everything inside my head. I hadn't been sleeping and I was forcing food into me. Cigarettes and coffee were my coping mechanism. Yet, instead of dealing with these demons I just pushed on the door harder trying to keep them in. I had been slowly self destructing at the same time I was trying to grow stronger.
I finally realized this weekend that I can no longer keep battering myself into this door trying to keep everything under lock and key. It's destroying me. I need to deal with these demons. I need to face this pain and hurt head on. I need to sort through the parts that have grown into monsters while sitting in the dark abyss and find the real issues. I need to make amends. With myself and with others. I need to continue to find me, who I am, and how to love that person. I need to learn how to forgive myself for not becoming who I had wanted to be. I need to accept and realize that the person inside of me has even more potential and love than the person I had ever dreamed of becoming. I will use the strength that I know I posses and find my way to happiness and wholeness.
But most of all, I need to blow up that damned closet.