We all have a place. A place inside of us where we put "stuff" to deal with later. What happens with that 'stuff' once it's there, is completely based on the individual.
I am a people pleaser and a peace maker. I like any waves I make to be tiny waves and I like finding what will make others happy. I don't like conflict, emotional pain or not meeting expectations.
For as long as I can remember I would do whatever it took, become whatever it took, act whatever it took to keep people around me happy. I was never totally me. I woke up a few years ago and realized I had no idea who I really was.(In the emotional/spiritual sense. Not the "I need a name tag on my chest to remember my name" sense.) I could no longer see what was fiction and what was real. I had been so busy becoming someone else to make everyone else happy, I forgot to ever take the time to find me or what I was all about.
Part of the problem with this was that over the years I took all the 'stuff' others did to me and just shoved it in a closet. Better to be a good girl and sit there and shut up and keep everyone happy than to cause waves of upset, hurt or disappointment. I was strong (with a big dose of stubborn) and I could get over it. I expected that with time it would all just magically disappear and make itself better. My own self cleaning magic closet.
The problem is...it never did. The hurt and the pain grew. It festered. It became infected. I started suffering from depression and then social anxiety. I didn't want to be around people because I knew I was a fraud. I was pretending to be this fun and intelligent person so they would like me and so know one would see the true me that I didn't even know. After all, if I couldn't even stand knowing myself then I must be a horrid person that no one would be able to like or love.
The past few months I finally knew that I had to start being happy with myself. I had to learn who I was. I had to let the scared little girl inside me grow up and find her potential.
These events have caused me to open the door to this closet. To my shock it was no longer the little room I once had. It had become a bottomless pit of hurt, bitterness and anger. Once that door was opened, there seemed to be no way to keep it locked anymore. Little pieces would poke their mean little heads up and next thing I knew I was raging against everything inside my head. I hadn't been sleeping and I was forcing food into me. Cigarettes and coffee were my coping mechanism. Yet, instead of dealing with these demons I just pushed on the door harder trying to keep them in. I had been slowly self destructing at the same time I was trying to grow stronger.
I finally realized this weekend that I can no longer keep battering myself into this door trying to keep everything under lock and key. It's destroying me. I need to deal with these demons. I need to face this pain and hurt head on. I need to sort through the parts that have grown into monsters while sitting in the dark abyss and find the real issues. I need to make amends. With myself and with others. I need to continue to find me, who I am, and how to love that person. I need to learn how to forgive myself for not becoming who I had wanted to be. I need to accept and realize that the person inside of me has even more potential and love than the person I had ever dreamed of becoming. I will use the strength that I know I posses and find my way to happiness and wholeness.
But most of all, I need to blow up that damned closet.
13 comments:
Good for you for coming to this realization! I'm working through my closet now and have never ever felt so free! I hope you find that freedom too - it's amazing.
xoxo
Karen - *hugs* Thank you.
Your emotions are so strong and so real.
Just remember that those people that those who saw the fun and intelligent person under the mask, love you. Remember that those same people will stand beside you when you need someone to lean on, stand in front of you when you need protection, and stand behind you when you need a push in the right direction.
Understand that those people will be there for you when you can't see the light, and give you space when you need to grow and blossom into the wonderful woman that they see you can be a happy, strong person.
You are an amazing woman, never forget that.
And when the time comes and you are ready those same people will be there with dynamite in hand.
Anony - **Hugs and tears**
WELL HELLS BELLS!!
That was amazsome!
I hope you're truly succesful in finding yourself and being strong enough to continue being YOU!
I hope you're also strong enough to battle back when people try to knock you down.
P.S.
I hope you don't spoke now... do you?? Stop if you do. Cold Turkey is the way to go just buy yourself a punching bag or have a root canal that's how Andy quit. I don't know if root canals are elective or not but you should ask anyway. ;o)
uh... SMOKE NOT SPOKE!
::sigh!::
Bee - lol. Thank you, very much. Yes, I do still smoke. I have quit before and it is on my list of goals during this reconstruction, but I do admit right now I am not ready. Soon hopefully :-)
Happy cleaning. The thing that's good to remember is that the emotional closet is so much like the real and physical closet. It's pretty much impossible to keep it totally clean and sharp all the time. It slowly begins to clutter. The piles slide a bit on the shelves, and a shirt falls of its hanger now and then. Sometimes the dirty laundry begins to pile in the corner. And you know it NEVER gets vacuumed often enough!
What I'm suggesting is that you might feel encouraged to think of your emotional closet as a work in progress. It's a place you'll never totally arrive this side of Heaven. But housekeeping is always helpful and actually necessary for emotional health and happy relationships.
I woke up several months ago and realized that my closet has been totally neglected since child #1 arrived four years prior. I desperately needed to clean up and reconnect with myself. One of the best therapeutic tools I used was a secret and totally anonymous blog that I used a platform for digging through boxes of junk and sorting the thoughts. I can let it all hang out there and write with total passion and abandon. It's been great. It didn't take me long to reconnect despite the few years of neglect.
Once you get your closet clean from top to bottom and you have discarded the biggest piles of crap you don't need to keep and carefully and intentionally kept and arranged the rest, and have reasonable expectations and ideals for it, it begins to stay relatively tidy over time. But no one's closet stays immaculate, and closets are always in need of some TLC.
Best wishes!
I wish you all the luck with what you're going through. I had to do this almost two years ago and it was honestly the best thing I've ever done!
And if you need any help tearing down that closet, I'm great at demolition!
Good Luck!
Mgm - Thank you for you good advice :-) And you are very good at metaphors! LOL.
Tracy - Thank you :-) I just may call you for that demolition. ;-)
WOW girl!! It takes guts to let it all out to the bloggy world! I'm impressed!! I have a lot to dig throught too and i know my door is about to fall down for all the junk in my closet. My mom realized it before i did. I broke down and cried just because she make a crack at me not being able to get things done with three kids around. I lost it and bawled. I'm not sure why really. but it's been happening every day since then. Just know that I'm here for ya if you ever need to talk. You have my number. . .USE IT!
Tiff - Thank you very much for your support :-) Unfortunately, phone calls fall under the social anxiety thing. But I will as soon as I work that out of me! Promise :-) xoxo
I've felt this way too because I am a people pleaser. About 7 months ago I decided to try to change things in my life--starting with myself and have been exercising regularly so that I build up my physical strength. One thing I've been trying to do is to stay in the moment so that if I feel anger or sadness or remorse or anything, I allow myself to feel that way instead of telling myself I'll think about it another day which is what I've been doing my whole life. It's a slow process, but I'm determined to find the real me.
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