Serendipity Mine: Oh the Hilarity

Showing posts with label Oh the Hilarity. Show all posts

Yeah, it's cheating....

Okay, so I suppose it is sort of "cheating" to post a youtube vid as a post after being gone. But...It's something, right? And besides...it's really cute and funny...so I should be forgiven :-D

Enjoy!

And I wondered why they didn't hire me....

'Welcome to McDonald's, Can I take your order?'

'Yes, I'll have a large sugar free iced coffee please.'

'Okay, you're total is 2.68, please go to window one.'

I drive to window one.

'Hi, you're total is 2.68."

'Okay, here's Three.'

'Okay and you're change is...Oh...hmm. Hold on. This is a fake penny.' (Insert very confused, slightly unsure look here)

'I'm sorry?'

'This is a fake penny. (she begins flipping it over and over looking at it) Or maybe it's from England. I think it's from England. I'm not sure. Is that okay?'

'Ummm...yeah. It's only a penny. Not a big deal'

'Okay, here you go, have a great day.'

I look at the 'fake' penny.

Funny how those fake English pennies say Canada.

Can food be x-rated?

Apparently, the answer is yes. Although it could just be my warped and wicked sense of humor! I just couldn't resist purchasing this at a recent visit to the grocery store!

And that fact that it's spicy..just makes it all the funnier. BTW, for those curious, it's also only 80 calories per serving ;-)

I'm F@&%ing Matt Damon
Oh, Ben Affleck, too!

I can't stand Sarah Silverman (Or Jimmy Kimmel, really), but it's been a long week and I really needed this laugh. Enjoy!

This is just as funny :-)

Just What Does a Scottsman Wear Beaneath His Kilt?

In honor of St. Patty's day I went looking for one of my favorite songs,'The Scotsman.' Never has anything ever, ever made me laugh so hard. I know St. Patty's is an Irish holiday and not a Scottish one, but they both wear kilts so I decided that meant I could use it for the holiday. Good logic, huh?

When I searched YouTube I found a nice little World of Warcraft video done to the song. It made me laugh even harder (if possible.) Enjoy :-D

'An Open Letter to Victoria's Secret '
and Yes, I Stole this from
Suburban Oblivion

Before you get comfy, I am sending you away. That's right! I want you to read this post, written by Sara over at Suburban Oblivion. Her smarts inspired my smarts today :-)

My response to Sara (which I totally think she should add as a P.S. to her letter before mailing):

AMEN!!!

I just received a card in the mail for a free pair of panties. It made me laugh hysterically because I'd like to know what woman they use to measure a size 14!! I wear a size 14 and I can't fit my arse into their panties unless my goal is to cut off complete circulation to all regions below my belly button!! And trust me, being blue and purple from the waist down is highly unattractive, even if you are wearing their skimpiest of skimpies.

And their bra's are my size...but only the uglier ones. The really really pretty, "OH I want to wear THAT to bed tonight because I know I'll be a sex goddess for sure" seem to only come in a DD if you are also a 34. HA. Fat chance unless you are trying to hold up your silicone.

I buy my perfume and lotion there (I LOVE my body butter) and once was given a free adorable 'One size fits all' hot pink tank top with the word 'Delicious' across it. I loved it. I was sooo excited to wear it and knew I'd look super hot sexy.

When I tried it on I quickly found that I had misunderstood something very important in their product tag. 'OSFA' wasn't supposed to mean 'one size fits all'. It was supposed to mean "one size fits angels" (you know, their skinny, size negative 5 twenteen models?). On me it just looked like a hot pink sausage casing. *shiver*

So yes, Sara, you are right. I say it's time for a panty revolution and a good bra burning.

What Can Make a 9 Year Old Boy Laugh Hysterically?

Simple Answer?

You just have to know what to say.

Here are my top discoveries:

Flaming Piles of Poo Power (not sure if it's the Dr. Suess style rhyming factor or the poo factor)

Family Jewels (Typical Male. That's all I can say.)

Balls ( Recently discovered 'playground talk' word *and no, not as in basket or foot* O.Y.E.!!)

Fart (It's such a classic, I think it's appeal may actually be encoded in the male DNA!)

Underpants ( I totally don't get this one. I just don't. LOL.)

Any Swear word *if they are banned at your house* (At first they will get this shocked look of hilarious disbelief. Then they laugh hysterically that they actually got to hear the word!)

Oh, to be a tween boy!

Happy 50th Momma...

Today is my wonderful amazing Momma's 50th birthday! It's hard for me to believe that I just turned 30, let alone she just turned 50! So I brought her gift over today and spent the afternoon hanging out with her and Bean.

When I got home she forwarded an e-mail she had gotten from my cousin and I begged her to let me blog it. If Gypsy Queen could get a perfect post award for an e-mail I would give her one because it is the best birthday wish letter ever :-)

Happy Birthday Auntie Di! I hope all is well and that you have a glorious day. In lieu of this special occasion I wanted to get you something that I knew you would enjoy so I did the following:

Went on Amazon.com and searched for your wish list. Not an easy task as I tried searching for a list using your full name, email addresses that I am aware of and just plain ol' Diane from Illinois. As you probably know, I came up with nothing.

Went on Audible.com in hopes of some inspiration and instantly side-tracked after noticing the site has an Erotica and Sexuality genre. Naturally I tried everything in power to purchase Leatherback Presents Erotic Short Stories: The New York Series for you and as you probably guessed, I was unable to.

So, all I have to offer is: I hope in this case you can accept it is the thought that counts and I tell ya, Auntie Di, I thought a lot about it.

Again I hope you are enjoying your day. I miss you and love you!

Gyps

p.s. if you do end up buying that short story please let me know how it is. I'm driving back to the Midwest in a couple of months and I need something good to listen to ;)

Frozen Dead Guy Days

So I ran across this site, all about Frozen Dead Guy Days in Nederland, Co. At first I thought it was a joke, but it's a real event that happens every March 7-9th.

THE TRUE STORY OF GRANDPA IN THE TUFF SHED
By Bo Shaffer, Cryogenicist

Bredo Morstoel, or as he is known around here, Grandpa in the Tuff Shed, was born in Norway in 1900. He stopped breathing in 1989, but is currently awaiting re-animation at some undetermined time in the future. This is the Life Extension Concept: Grandpa is not truly dead, he’s just waiting until they can fix him and bring him back to life. The concept of cryogenics has been around for a few years.

Grandpa Bredo died in Norway, was cryogenically prepared and frozen in Los Angeles, and currently resides in Nederland, in a Tuff Shed emblazoned with the logo of the Denver radio station 103.5 The Fox that arranged for the shed to be donated. The shed sits next to a partially finished, concrete covered, earthquake proof, fire proof, bomb proof metal supported structure that was intended to be the main building of the Life Extension Institute. The main building was to connect underground with the vault where the cryogenic capsules were to be stored. This was the intention of Bredo’s Grandson, Trygve Bauge.

Trygve financed the land and buildings on a slim budget, always intending to get a couple of “paying customers” fairly fast to help defray expenses. The cryogenic vault was a tin garden shed and the Dewar flasks for the liquid nitrogen were not in the budget yet. Trygve was keeping the cryonic facility operating on a shoestring, using dry ice to keep things at a relatively warm—cryonically speaking—but somewhat frosty –109°F.

Things were progressing slow but steady towards the full Institute concept, since there were now two bodies in the cryonic “vault,” when Trygve ran afoul of the Law. Trygve always felt that he was a citizen of the world and he didn’t have to show them no stinking Green Card. Even this would have probably been tolerated except that every time he could, Trygve would call attention to his plight, using the media and making the INS out to be idiots. You can break their rules, but don’t call them stupid!

It became necessary for INS to do their duty, and this they promptly did by snatching Trygve and hustling his butt off to Norway. ’Nuff said.

Unfortunately, during the media brouhaha surrounding Trygve’s deportation and abandonment of his elderly mother, Aud Morstoel (Bredo’s daughter), she happened to mention to a reporter that she just didn’t know how she was going to take care of the two bodies in the shed. Up until this time, there were probably only a half dozen people in the whole world that had any idea of what was coming into being on the property in Nederland. Certainly none of the media nor the quickly summoned police knew anything at all about cryogenically preserved bodies.....You have to read it all

Why didn't anyone tell me about this sooner? I mean really, this could be some great family get away time! Some of the best activities are:

NOON ON: AFTERLIFE AUCTION items on display for silent bids at the BLACK FOREST RESTAURANT in the bar area. These include a New Belgium Fat Tire Bicycle and an 8 x 8’ TUFF SHED, and special baskets donated by DAZ BOG COFFEE, COCA-COLA, and GRABBER WARMERS.

7 pm: Frozen Dead Guy Days® officially kicks off with a Special Opening Ceremony in the Town Roundabout. We will light up this year’s snow sculpture created by local carver, Karen Adler, and watch the skeleton dancers swing to the beat of Oingo Boingo’s “It’s a Dead Man’s Party,” which it most certainly is. FREE

10 pm: GRANDPA-LOOK-A-LIKE CONTEST takes place on the stage at the BLUES MASQUERADE BALL. First 15 contestants to register and pay registration of $10 (plus Ball ticket) to compete. First place prize $100 cash. Winner will be needed throughout weekend.

2 pm: “THE” FESTIVAL EVENT......TUFF SHED COFFIN RACES at Chipeta Park w/ your mc hosts, Robyn of ROCKIN’ THE ROCKIES and UKELELEI LOKI Up to thirty coffin race teams are ready to race in 2 per heat runoffs down a course full of obstacles, , mud, snow, playground slides, and the TUFFSHED CRYONICS MAUSOLEUM to be the first across the finish line. $300 cash prize for first place, $100 for second and $50 for third. Prizes also awarded for best team costumes, team spirit and coffin construction. Prizes also awarded for best hearses. FREE ADMISSION

5:30 pm: FROZEN T-SHIRT CONTEST at BEARS BROTHERS BISTRO How fast can you open it up and put it on? $10 contestant fee. All contestants receive a free ‘07 FDGD® t-shirt. Male and female categories. First 15 to register to compete for prizes to be given in top three fastest times.

Kree!
Alien 101

As I was perusing on Sk*rt this morning, I ran across this article all about some people in Texas who say they saw a UFO on Jan. 8th. The story itself was pretty interesting and, of course, because it was on CNN, somewhat credible. One thing I did find funny was how they tried to give themselves more Credibility:

Several dozen people -- including a pilot, county constable and business owners -- say they have seen a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast. Some reported seeing fighter jets chasing it.

Makes me realize had a waitress, store clerk and SAHM seen it, they would have been a little more leery. But on to the next funny part. These upstanding citizens ( A pilot, constable, and business owner) who all saw this object were obviously mystified and shocked. Was it because they saw a possible UFO? Not exactly.

"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times," said Steve Allen, a freight company owner and pilot who said the object he saw last week was a mile long and half a mile wide. "It was positively, absolutely nothing from these parts."

I know it just may be the mood I'm in..but I admit it made me giggle something fierce. I mean, I was raised in a religious household. I've read the bible cover to cover. I can recite almost all the books in order from old testament to new along with a few choice passages. But I somehow seem to have missed the part about low flying, fast, bright lighted objects as a predication of end times. It has been a while though.

Now the next part, it just really makes me giggle.

"You hear about big bass or big buck in the area, but this is a different deal," Sorrells said. "It feels good to hear that other people saw something, because that means I'm not crazy."

Sorrells said he has seen the object several times. He said he watched it through his rifle's telescopic lens and described it as very large and without seams, nuts or bolts.

Now that we have cleared up the misconception that this is not another "The fish was 12 ft. long!" myth (obviously, I mean, we are talking about UFO's!!) Lets move on to the intelligence of pointing a rifle, even if only use the scope, at a possible UFO. I think Mr. Sorrell should be very thankful they didn't see him or he may have found himself zapped with their laser beam gun thingy.

Of course all official responses are that it was the sun glaring off two airplanes, perfectly logical explanation, (insert other typical governmental cover up answers here).

In the spirit of this article and to show my serious support (I actually am a believer in aliens, George Noory rocks) I found this blog with 20 things you didn't know (..about aliens, etc) and thought it was very interesting. Here are a few of my fav's, but I suggest you head over there to find out the rest for yourself. (the comments in parenthesis are my own and not from the site)

#8 Download software from the SETI@home project to sift for alien signals on your home PC. 187,000 other people have. (I am d/l it right now people. I will find life out there!)

#11 In 1957, Antonio Villas Boas, a Brazilian farmer, reported that he was abducted by barking aliens who covered him in gel and mated with him. (Umm. Ewwww.)

#17 Then we sent the soundtrack: The two Voyager probes, launched in 1977, included a 12-inch gold-plated record carrying whale calls, greetings in 55 human languages, and a Bulgarian folk song. (Whale calls?? To much Star Trek Anyone? )

#19 On September 30, 2006, the French Center for National Space Studies beamed Cosmic Connexion, a TV program aimed at extraterrestrials, at a sunlike star called Errai 45 light-years from Earth. (I have heard the French don't even like tourists in their country, but apparently Aliens on their planet is okay.)

And last but most certainly not least, Here is a sample of a Bulgarian Folk Song (you know you were wondering) and Here are instructions on how to make your own "Stop Alien Abduction Hats"

Live long and prosper! Lek tol! ngoy'!

The Birds
The Bees
And Monkey Kisses

The Birds and the Bees

2 days ago

Alex: " Mom, you promised to tell me what that glove thing was."

Me: "What glove thing?"

Alex: "You know, the thing you found in my backpack!"

Me: (Damn. He didn't forget) Alright. It's called a Condom. And it's something you use for Sex. Do you know what Sex is?

Alex: "Yes. It's what you do with a beautiful girl when you are married and you want to have a baby, right?"

Me: "(How freaking cute is that! ) Yes, and sometimes when a man and woman have sex they don't want to have a baby. So a man puts the condom on his penis and it keeps him from giving the woman a baby. "

Alex: "It goes on his Private Area? And I touched it?! Oh..that's sooooo gross! Class Clown Boy had that on his mouth mom! Oh, that is so disgusting!!"

(Me silently thanking the heavens that the germ factor outweighed curiosity about how it prevented babies)

Me: "Yes, and now you know why I sort of freaked out when I found that in your backpack 'cause it could have dangerous germs or chemicals and make you sick. Okay?"

Alex: "Okay."

Me: "Any more questions about this or sex?"

Alex: "Nope. Can I play my game now?"

Me: "Sure."

Monkey Kisses

Getting Ready to Leave Last Night

P.C.: "Love you. See you later."

Me: "Love you, too. Be back in a bit."

(PC gives me a kiss)

Alex: "Ewww. Okay! Enough. It's been like 5 minutes of you kissing!"

(We, being the good parents that we are, continue to kiss in a much louder, passionate, and over exaggerated manner)

Alex: "Oh Nasty! I just saw someone put their tongue in the other persons mouth!"

Me: "What?" (Trying soo hard no to laugh)

Alex: "You know, if you put your tongue in someone else's mouth then you are kissing like a Monkey. Seriously! (looking at us in total Solomon seriousness, because he thought our smothered hysterical laughing was actually a sound of disbelief) That's how Monkey's Kiss! They put their tongue in another Monkey's mouth! It's gross and you just kissed like a Monkey!"

(I feel sorry for the first girl who tries to French Kiss him.)

(Everybody!: You and me baby, we ain't nothing but mammals, let's do it like they do on the discovery channel)

If only the world of woman, relationships and sex would stay this simple for him ;-)

It's a Perfectly Hillarious
Perfect Post

Jenny.Kicks.Bloggy.Humor.Arse.

I have yet to read a post at The Bloggess without laughing so hard that coffee has nearly come out my nose. She has an amazing humor that makes the bloggy world worth signing on for.

When Jenny wrote this post, I thought she was the most brilliant person I'd ever read. And most of her ideas (read: vibrating seat, little pushy robot, and heated cookie pocket) were exactly what I hoped for in her revised edition. Substitute the beer can hat for coffee dispensers and I'd buy one from her this very second.

She totally deserves this (even if it won't get me a free scooter):

Go. Laugh. Be Merry.

After you congratulate Jenny (congratulations Jenny! Thanks for being so awesome!) on her job well done, visit Petroville and Suburban Turmoil and:

1) Tell them thank you for all their hard work on the Perfect Post Awards (seriously, if it wasn't for the reminder e-mails...I'd always forget)

2) Sign up to give your own award in January (The more the merrier and what a great way to spread some New Year cheer!)

3) Read all the other amazing post winners this month (or visit the Perfect Post library and visit the past months winners)

The Christmas Pickle
(Literally)

My bestest friend gave me an early Christmas preset yesterday. She gave me a pickle!

I know what you are thinking. I am the luckiest person in the world to have a bestest friend who would give me a pickle ornament. Other best friends may have gone with things like a poinsettias, a necklace, a picture. But a real best friend. Oh yes. She gives you a pickle!

Okay, I know you're like, "Seriously? What is with the pickle? Inside joke you care to share?"

And truth be told, when she gave me my pickle...I was thinking the same thing: "A Christmas Pickle. A Christmas Pickle Ornament. Wow. Okay." Of course, then I was worried because only very rarely does Molls act or do totally insane things, and assuming that this wasn't one of those times....I had obviously missed something.

Me (in my head): Oh shit. She's looking at me for my reaction. There must be an inside joke. 15 years of best friendship and I remember every joke we ever had! How do I not remember a pickle! Shit. Shit. I can't fake this. She'll know I'm lying. Full Speed ahead and damn the torpedoes "

Me (out Loud): Aww. It's cute. Thanks you.

Her (In her head) (Okay, I can't really know what was in her head as I wasn't actually present, but here's what I Imagine): Seriously, why is she looking like this pickle is so cool? I mean, she can't have a clue what it's all about yet. Awww, shit. She's doing that fake laugh and that fake "Awww, it's cute. thank you!" Idiot. How did we end up best friends for 15 years??

Her (Out Loud): Wait! There's a tradition!

Me: (in my head): There's a Christmas Pickle Tradition???
Me: (Out Loud): Really?

And then she read me this:

It's a German Tradition that in the Holiday tree a pickle is hung where no child can see. The child who finds it is given a toy, and blessed with good fortune for a year filled with Joy. Merry Christmas!

She really is the coolest bestest friend ever. And I do love my pickle. (Even if Prince Charming had some other suggestions as to what it was. Oye. Men.)

********************************************************************

I do want to say after some research here and here I have found that it is not a true German tradition. Either way I still think it's really cool :-)

8 Embarassing things....
About me!

Tracy tagged me for this For-ev-ah ago! And me being the ~~procrastinating, brainless wonder~~ Amazingly popular and busy woman that I am; I am just now getting to it.

So sorry for the delay Tracy and here we go!

8 Embarrassing things About Me!

1. I am Terrified of June bugs - Seriously. I will run and scream like it's a poisonus snake. I know they are harmless. But they are big and dumb and fly into you and into your hair and just... shiver!

2. Just like this other post by Tracy, I am very gullible when Prince Charming tells me something - I really did believe (for a few minutes) that the Tree's grew around the power lines on the mountains. Apparently they are actually trimmed that way. (Oye.)

3. I really do have a big head - So does my mother. We truly are a big headed family. More to come on that in another post.

4. I love 80/90's shows - Walker, Texas Ranger; Fresh Prince of Bel Air; Full House; Growing Pains; Roseanne; Rifleman (bet none of you even remember that one!) ; Three's Company; Star Trek- The next Generation. I just love 'em and can't resist watching reruns or all day marathons.

5. I watch Pokemon by myself - Occasionally, while knitting, when Prince Charming is at School and the kids are in bed, I will turn on an episode of Pokemon that I haven't seen yet. I really am addicted to the cartoon much to Alex's delight.

6. My dad had a horrid nickname for me - When I was a kid, somehow or other he started calling me 'Skunk Bread'. I was always so humiliated when he said it in front of other people!!

7. I still own underwear from high school - I have exactly 3 pairs that (by some miracle) still fit me and are from high school. I refuse to throw them away on account of that fact alone.

8. Number one most embarrassing moment EV-AH : While at a speech meet my Junior year I was wearing a very pretty white/powder blue stripped dress. I was sitting at a table talking to 3 other team mates (2 guys, 1 girl if I remember correctly). After about an hour I got up and one of the guys said, "Uh, Chris, we have a problem. You might want to sit back down!" I gave him a strange look and asked "why?" They told me to look at back of my dress. I had started my period, and it was a bad one. It had soaked through the undies, the nylons, and the skirt. I had a 2ft. by 2ft. bright red stain on the back of my skirt. I was.beyond.mortified. I had to wrap a coat around me, find my coach, find another set of clothes, and try not to die of total sheer humiliation.

So there you go :-) Now you know my deepest, darkest, most embarrassing moments. Aren't you ~~sorry as hell~~ happy you dropped by this morning?

I know I'm supposed to Tag people, but I just can't choose right now. So...if you feel like doing it, make sure to leave me a link in the comments so I can link to you :-D

WANTED:
It Wasn't Me!

Wanted:

Name: It Wasn't me

Age: Believed to be between 8 yrs. and 2 yrs., but has been known to impersonate a 32 yr. old

Sex: Unknown, has portrayed both male and female tendencies

Identifying Marks: Name typically followed by an exclamation point ---> !

Crime:

Causing chaotic disturbances of toys, clothing and other household items
Performing chores improperly
Disregarding household rules
Framing different members of the household for the afore mentioned crimes

How to know if you have been a victim of It Wasn't me:

If you ask a particular member of the house who used crayon on a window and the response is 'It wasn't me!'
If you find a pair of shoes in the middle of the room and say " You guys need to start putting your shoes away properly!" and you receive a chorus of "It wasn't me" (including the owner of shoes)
If you notice the children eating a piece of candy at a time not normally considered acceptable by mothering standards and you give your significant other 'The Look' and again are told , "It wasn't me!"

What to do if you find you have been a victim:

Count to 10. At least twice.

Take a deep breath

Quickly exclaim to all in room this exact phrase: "Quick, Quick! Find him! It wasn't me is here again and we need to catch him!"

When family members look at you in puzzlement and confusion (a.k.a.: Mommy has had to much coffee and lost her mind), respond with this phrase: "It wasn't me has been causing all sorts of trouble today! (insert personalized examples here ---> _________________) We have to try to catch him before he does something else that will get you in trouble!"

Continue in this method until all (or most) of It wasn't me! sightings have been averted

Grey's Anatomy Video
This is awesome!

I am sick - sick - sick today. Therefore, I barely have enough brain power to do dishes let alone think of something brilliant to dazzle you with. Instead I found this to share with you, and hopefully you will be dazzled. Who couldn't use a little bit of sexy on a Monday? Enjoy!

Pre-schoolers: 1
Mommy: 0

So as I was stumbling this morning, I came across (read rest of blog before you visit this page) this test for preschoolers. So I decided to take this two question test myself.

I flunked.

After I read the correct answer...and found out that preschoolers were able to answer correctly...I felt very,very,very,very silly.

So now I am sharing this with you so you can feel silly! And yes, you're most welcome :-D

Look at this picture.

Which Way is this bus traveling? Take your time and think about it.

Left or Right?

Okay.

Now, when pre-schoolers were asked which way the bus was traveling they all answered "left."

Why?

They answered because they couldn't see the door.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Yep, told ya you'd feel silly.

For the record my answer was: "It's not traveling. It's holding still!"